Step One: Self Worth
Self-worth can be such an emotionally loaded concept. I've worked very hard on finding true, deep acceptance around my worthiness and have supported numerous women to do the same. It is complicated though. Rarely does the journey to a beautiful inner knowing of self-worth look linear.
Why is it so hard to accept?
Because for the majority of our lives our worthiness has been tied up to conditions.
If you get good grades at school, I will praise you.
If you are thin and pretty, I will be attracted to you.
If you are polite and 'good', I will accomodate you.
If you are funny, I will keep you around.
If you have lots of money, I will show you respect.
This begins really early on. Hopefully most people reading this felt unconditional love at home during their childhood, but I bet there were conditions on whether you were deemed 'good', 'acceptable' or whether or not you were rewarded.
In our formative years we are told that to be approved of we must achieve 'x'. Not just by our parents or guardians, but by society too. The most beautiful women are on the highest pedestal. The fastest runners and highest goal scorers were the 'coolest'. The ones with the most money seem to exert the most power. We are told that there are conditions to our worth in every direction.
Even the very notion of karma can be incorrectly used as a weapon to conditionalise worthiness.
Let's debunk that mistruth
Look around you the next time you're on the train, or in your local café and ask yourself this…
“Are any of these people UNWORTHY of love?”
These people, relative strangers, that live side by side with you on this funny planet have not proven themselves to you. They might have tried to with their choice of clothing brands or haircuts, but the truth is none of that is what makes you believe that they are worthy of being loved - it is their humanness.
Simply by being a living human being they are deserving of basic human rights, of opportunity, of health, and most definitely of love.
Maslow's hierarchy of needs (something I refer to often, hence the very name of this home!) is not conditional! We all deserve physiological safety, belongingness and connection.
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
Sometime when our ego is threatened we may find ourselves susceptible to judgement and wishing ill on others thinking 'they don't deserve that success or fortune'. But the simple fact of the matter, is everyone deserves it all! We are all worthy of Maslow's full hierarchy - with no conditions.
How to accept my own self-worth?
Firstly, let's neutralise it. Can we all agree now, that worthiness is not conditional? All human beings are worthy. Now, what makes you so magnificently wretched that you are the only person out of 8,019,876,189 people that is unworthy? Well you've got to be pretty self-involved to think you're that special! But, guess what? Even if you were that self-involved, you'd STILL be worthy!
Self Worth is Unconditional
Next time you start hearing those negative narratives in your mind like, if I run 5 more kilometres then I'll be worthy of going for brunch, or if I earn 20k more, then I'll be proud of myself… start neutralising those statements by saying, actually “my self-worth is unconditional”.
Those 5 words can create magic. And here is how.
If I run 5 more kilometres then I'll be worthy of going for brunch
+ “my self worth is unconditional”
= I am already worthy. I am worthy of a healthy and strong body. I am worthy of enjoying delicious food. I grant myself the freedom to push or stop whenever my body says so, and to savour the joy of my blessed food.
If I earn 20k more, then I'll be proud of myself
+ “my self worth is unconditional”
= I am already worthy. No matter what my salary is today, I am already worthy. Also, I am worthy of earning my goal salary. My wealth does not dictate my worth. My worth does not dictate my wealth.
I'll never earn what they earn, I'm not worthy of that much money
+ “my self worth is unconditional”
= I am worthy. I am worthy of a little and a lot. I am worthy of whatever it is I so desire.
I didn't come from a happy home, I have done so many bad things, I am truly unlovable. I don't deserve a loving relationship.
+ “my self worth is unconditional”
= I am worthy of love. I am worthy of everything. I am worthy of a happy and healthy relationship. I am worthy of doing the work on myself to be ready for great romantic love.
The final stage of self-worth
Everything in your heart, you are worthy of. And the same goes for other people. When you find yourself being critical of others, judgemental or defensive, ask yourself if they are threatening your old CONDITIONAL version of worthiness. Does someone's ostentatiousness threaten your humility? Even if it does, they are still worthy of kindness, love and compassion. And so are you. Maybe they still have conditions on their self-worth and you can show them the way by being kind and human despite their showing off.
When you read a story in the newspaper about a family that faced a great tragedy you never think, they probably deserved that. Your heart always lurches because you do fundamentally believe that everyone is worthy of safety, humanity and love. Same applies for the annoying person in front of you in the queue, or the jobsworth member of staff. Still worthy. Just as you are, my friend.
