Sliding doors
As we draw to the end of the year it is easy to become rather reflective. I have been reminded of what is and what could have been during an interstate trip this week. I moved to Sydney in 2015 when I was 25 years old. I since moved back to London and met my Australian husband which is why I now reside in Melbourne where he is from, but this week I am in Sydney for my darling cousin’s wedding. The day we arrived to our friend’s house I went out with my son in the pram and walked to the nearest Chemist Warehouse (a specific chain that sells my preferred formula and nappies). As I embarked on the walk home I meandered through a park that I used to frequent a lot during my 4 years in Sydney.
I pushed my son up the hill and saw this patch of grass near a couple having a picnic. I sat there when I was newly sober and shook with grief and pain that I had numbed for so long. I starred at the pub in eyesight and tears ran down my cheeks. I didn’t know how to exist without escapism. I imagined walking into the pub and beginning the descent into freedom from my thoughts. However I now knew that it would ultimately only exacerbate my pain. And so I was stuck in between a rock and a hard place.
Option 1): Avoid the current pain but worsen it in the long run
Option 2): Exist in the current pain and hope for some peace in the long run
I decided to pick up the phone instead of a drink.
Someone who ultimately became my mentor drove to collect me, with her kids in the back of the car, took me to her house, fed me pizza and ice cream and she listened to me. She listened to my story in a way that I’ve never felt before. Something changed for me that day. I felt seen and validated in my experiences and was shown the grace that proved to me I was worth fighting for. I decided I would fight for myself, for my own peace and my future.
That was over 7 years ago.
As I continued to walk along the path two days ago, the pub behind me shrinking in size and the patch of grass none the wiser at what it had sat with me through, I looked at my beautiful baby boy. I imagined my life if I hadn’t picked up the phone instead of a drink that day. A true sliding doors moment.
My boy wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be able to type the words that this is the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I might not even be here.
By choosing my future that day, I got the opportunity to make thousands more decisions that brought me to this epic chapter I’m living now. It is through a series of tiny actions that I have been delivered here. They are all underpinned by two truths.
1. I am worthy of taking positive action for myself
2. Consistent tiny choices define a life
It may not be alcohol that is your Achilles heel. It might be that you talk a big talk but don’t take action. Or that you think letting yourself lie in on a Saturday morning instead of picking up the paint brush gathering dust on your desk is an act of self-care, when it isn’t.
Next time you are faced with an option of instant gratification or long term investment in your beautiful future, ask yourself this ‘what would a person who felt worthy do in this moment?’
They’d pick up the phone instead of a drink. They’d stop talking and start doing. They’d choose the paintbrush over the pillow.
Don’t wait until January 1st or 2nd to start implementing your best intentions. Choose you. Choose you, today. Your dream life depends on it.
I have more dreams to pursue now but 25 year old me sat in that park had began to bury the dream of the life I’m living today. I pretended I didn’t want this. I always wanted it. And I got it. Simply by showing up for myself and doing the work. Whatever your heart yearns for is within your reach too.
You are so worthy of your happiness.
If you can dream it, you can be it.
Start your journey of consistency now! Fuck January! Let’s get stuck in. If this email moved you in anyway, please hit reply and let’s connect. I love hearing back from you and I am here to create a movement of consistent tiny actions creating big beautiful lives.
As you read this I’ll be driving to the northern beaches with my husband and baby preparing for my cousin’s wedding blissed out. Next week’s newsletter will land in your inbox when I’m celebrating my husband’s birthday in our back garden with family and friends in the sunshine. It doesn’t sound big and grand. But it is the life I wished for that I almost didn’t get to live. Abundance of love. Connection. Inner peace. Purpose. Community and being of service.
WOW! I have just finished formatting this email when I went to pick up my phone to send myself the picture I used at the top and I received this message from my mentor mentioned above. We actually went for dinner tonight.
”You asked me if it was weird seeing you with a baby, for me I’ve seen you go through years of stress with illness, the move to UK, deal with major grief, new jobs, then moving into your own apartment, then engagement, then back to parents, wedding plans, 2 years of trying to get pregnant, IVF, move to Australia, more job hunting, you are the MOST peaceful, settled and content you’ve been in all that time now you’re a mummy, so it’s not weird, it’s natural and I’m just happy to see you in this place.”
I share this to say that it has been a JOURNEY!!!! But man oh man am I grateful to be here.
Thank you for being a part of me living out my dream through this space.
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